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There are plenty of reason why these discs end up on this shelf, and I'd like to help you out so this doesn't happen as often as it does. Let's start with the simple stuff first:
1. Packaging
The first thing I notice when I open up an envelope is the album, if its still in plastic wrap I laugh and pity the musician sending this out to record labels and radio stations all over the world. I learned a long time ago from an asshole A&R guy that albums still in plastic wrap get thrown away at most record labels and even by snobby radio station music directors. People, not just me, are really lazy and unwrapping something you don't even know you'll like isn't exciting. This also goes for paper sleeve albums, cut or break the tab keeping the CD in, it's not going to escape in the mail. I don't freak out about this, but bands do start with a -1 when this happens. The asshole A&R guy actually told me to break the jewel case so it doesn't snap shut, make life as easy as possible for the person you're trying to get to listen to your music.
2. Bio
After the album the next thing I notice is the Bio. I'm going to put this as gently as I can, please don't take this personally, I'm not a record label and I know when you send music to a label you always include a Bio, but when you're sending me your music save some trees. Why? I don't give a fuck about how you became a band, where you're from, how many years you've been playing, what makes you make music.
Don't Care Don't Care Don't Care Don't Care Don't Care Don't Care Don't Care Don't Care Don't Care Don't Care Don't Care Don't Care Don't Care Don't Care Don't Care Don't Care Don't Care Don't Care Don't Care Don't Care Don't Care Don't Care Don't Care Don't Care Don't Care Don't Care Don't Care Don't Care Don't Care.
You know what else I don't like, 8.5 x 11 glossy photos, you know the pictures I'm talking about. The sexy girl lead singer in the foreground and in the background is 2-5 dudes with crazy clothing/tattoos/piercings/facial hair/expressions. Some are without the sexy girl and its just 4 dudes looking in different directions, or all lined up, some folding their arms, others hands reverently behind their back, lead singer looking up at God like he's fucking blessed. Someone with photoshop skills or actual photography skills has made the pic professional, great, woohoo. If the first thing I know about your band is how pretty/dorky/douchie you look there will be a much smaller chance I actually listen to your music, or like it.
3. Personalization
You've made it this far, the CD has been opened, I'm about to put it in the CD player, you've got 10 seconds. Is the first track going to catch my ear? No? Did you send me a concept album and the first track is some garbage introductory track? When I hit play is it going to be a challenge for me to find something I like? Well you should have written a simple little note and stuck it in the envelope or better yet a sticky on the CD that says "Hey Circus, listen to track 4". That's all you needed to do son and I'll be all over track 4, if I like it, BAM it's going on the radio. It's just that simple. Don't tell me I'm going to love it, don't tell me it's the best song ever, just simply state which track or tracks to listen to, if there's 10 tracks on the album only recommend 3 at the most.
4. DIY
In this day'n'age anyone can download some software and turn their laptop into a recording studio, if your laptop recording sounds like the microphones are inside cinder blocks don't bother sending me the CD. I really don't care if you send me a sweet looking album that looks like you blew a ton of your parents money on, or if you send me a burned CD. The only thing that matters is how it sounds. If you're making me a burned CD then just throw your best song or 2 on there and be done with it. If you're putting a whole album on the CD don't write all 20 track names on the CD, just write the track numbers you want me to listen to on the CD, guess this could go under #3 but who cares, it's the end of Smarch and it's snowing outside.
5. 'Questing
Before I even start with this huge sentagraph I'm about to type, let it be known this is possibly the most important part of this blog. Listener Requests - say your driving down the road and you hear me play something you like and you think 'hey if Circus likes this song he'd like this other song', so you dial me up while you're driving, endangering those motorists around you and make your request. Don't. Please, no requests. It's cool when someone knows my show and requests something we both like, but usually it's just chicks requesting The Cure, or dudes requesting Yeasayer/Fleet Foxes/Hold Steady or some other band I can't stand and I have to act nice and say 'oh sorry I didn't bring my soft-cock music tonight'. I'm no statistician but I imagine 99% of the songs requested are already owned by the person requesting the song, do us all a favor and just play it from your own collection, you're iPod is fucking epic, we know. I've been there, I used to be the 20something dude that thought he had some awesome taste in music, and I'd always call in requests for stuff I already owned. I thought I was improving the station I was calling, those requests were never, EVER played. This is why I got my own radio show, what's the point of calling in a request? The best calls I get are the callers wanting to know what was just played, that must mean I played something good to that callers ears, that's why I like radio. Never, EVER request your own band. There, that's the key to being a musician. I only stop by the station on Friday, which means if I get a CD on Friday I'm not going to listen to it until Saturday at the soonest. If you dropped a CD off to me during the week and called me on Friday during my show and requested your own song, that album is now in the landfill. If you've had a relative call in and request your song you've got another -1 in addition to the -1 you got from the stupid band pic. When a woman calls in and requests a local band the first thing I ask is which band member she's fucking, It's usually the bass player. Never in the history of local requests have I receive a call like this "I was at the bar the other night and saw ____________ play, I loved them do you have any of their music?" Seriously, that call would be awesome, but it's never happened. I usually hear about local bands from other bands saying you should check out so&so and then I go back to the junk shelf and get that bands album out.
Have a little bit of patience with me please, once you've dropped your album off to me, send me an email or fb message a week after and just say 'Hey Circus, this is Bob from Bobgina and the Diddlebangers did you get my songs? Did you like it?', that's all it takes. I'm a nice enough guy that if you went through the trouble of dropping it off or mailing it to me, I'll give you a good 10 seconds.
6. DON'TS!
I'm a proponent of local music, but I'm also a filter for local music. Anyone can make music. Let me say this again and let it sink in, ANYONE CAN MAKE MUSIC. I know this to be true, I learned how to play bass and guitar this year, having zero experience with playing any instrument in my life other than a recorder in elementary school, and I wouldn't put out an album and expect it to get played. If you have never listened to my show and think your music is good enough to play on my show, don't send it. If you've listened to my show and the type of music you make is not in any of the genre's I play, don't send it. If you're sending me music because you want your grandparents in Florida to hear it on the internet radio, don't, just rip it and email it to them. If you're in a Ska band, don't send it. If you sing about 'loving you' or someone in the first 10 seconds of your song, don't send it. If you're in a rap, hip hop, or R&B band send the music to Friday Night Fallout that show's the shit and they have local artist on often doing great freestyle shit, I have tons of respect for the FNF live acts. If the lyrics of your song contain anything about what your momma told you, don't send it, I don't fucking care to know what she told you. Does your singer sound like Fiona Apple, Jack Johnson, Amy Winehouse, or Scott Weiland, don't send it. If the only thing your band has going for it is good looks, don't send it. If the first 10 seconds of the track is mostly silence, don't send it. I know there is artistry in a build up, and a song doesn't have to just blast out at the first second but recently I received a whole album where each song took 15 - 30 seconds for each track to start. If you think Michael Franti is a God, don't send it. Don't start a FB page demanding people to request your music on my show. If I won't be able to get past your bands name, don't send it. This includes "Toxic" in the band name, too long of band names(for example: if it's a whole fucking sentence it tires me out), if 'fuck' or 'shit' is part of your band name and you're not in The Fucktards don't send it, if you've replaced any 'S' with a 'Z' in your band name don't send it, if the name of your band totally gives away who you sound like don't bother as well.
Wow, this is getting really fucking complicated Circus, should I just give up on my dream of being a radio star? If you're questioning whether or not to send me a CD the best thing to do is not send it. If you're so cocksure about your shit not stinking send it, either you're awesome or myopic.
If you decided not to read any of this babbling I just wrote down I'll sum it all up in closing. Don't make me unwrap your gift, tell me 1 track that will catch my ear and doesn't just suck in the first 10 seconds, don't send me a picture or bio because the less I know the better, don't request yourself or have other request your band just talk to me when I'm not on the air, don't be in a lame band. Now some of you are going to listen to my show and bitch about something you hear that you don't like, great, I can't please everyone, sorry in advance.
In closing this post had made me want to start my own 'Zine inspired by Mike Brown's awesome Leviathan. A one page little thing that contains 10 second reviews, honestly music reviews have gotten so bogged down in wordplay and ball fondling that I usually give music reviews the same 10 seconds I give music, think I'll call it 10 Seconds to Suck.
